can I have a new body, please?

In my apparent endless effort to fall apart physically, I am continuing to have the swelling and I’m going in to have myself checked out.

Had chest pains this afternoon – horrible tightness that hurt like an SOB.  My chest still feels sore from it.  Was just driving along, normal chat with Bren about his school day… I ate a chewy candy and boom, got this freaky nauseated feeling and then the pain hit me in the chest – not my throat or esophagus… almost felt like when I used to get those “air bubbles” as a kid, only I was just trundling along, minding my own business.  And seriously, I was not stressed or breathing weird.  It was just a normal moment up until the pain started.

It last maybe 2-3 minutes.  Or maybe it just felt like it went on for a while.  I didn’t stop the van because there really wasn’t a shoulder along the road where I was driving, but I was looking for a place to pull off when it eased up.

I feel almost stupid for writing about this, because I’m constantly sick and I feel like it’s taking over… or maybe it’s always been this way, but at the same time I keep thinking that I’d be stupid to ignore it.

I wonder what is the line you draw about listening to your body and realizing that you’re a sedentary, overweight, middle-aged woman who needs more activity and veggies and less of all the other crap (you know… the stuff that is ridiculously bad for us).

Yeah.

I know.  And believe me, no excuses here, it’s my fault.  I know it’s all about choices and letting go of some things.  Looking at the sum total of all I need to do to fix the situation, I get overwhelmed.  Yes, I get that you have to take it a single step at a time.  Still, even that feels overwhelming – like it’s one more “Have To” that needs to get added to the list.  I’m tired of “Have To’s”, even it’s a part of being an adult.  Piling on one after another, in an endless, scrolling list, only makes me feel more overwhelmed.

I know it’s another failing to add to that additionally long list – I can only really focus on one thing, for any length of time.  Toss a bunch of things at me and I end up with layer on layer of static and noise, so that nothing really sticks to my thought processes.  Let me focus in, uninterrupted…?  And I can do good work.

That’s how I lost the weight the last time.  Focus.  Work was basic and repetitive.  I wasn’t in school.  I only had Brennan to worry about.  It took a while to get there, but I did it.

Now?

Crap.  I can barely ensure that I’m dressed each day.  The fact that I am and I’m doing well in both work and school, plus I have great kids and husband?  That’s me stretching as far as I can.  Mess with my routine and I melt down.  I get sick and it all goes to hell.

This isn’t intended to be whining, either.  I’m trying to work it all out and get it out where I can look at it objectively.  That, and, if anyone has experienced these kinds of symptoms, let me know what you had to do – ok?  I’m sitting here with my chest feeling like I’ve been punched and I’m swaying back and forth between a touch of concern versus the urge to think it’s all baloney.

It’s time for bed for little dude.  He is tired and his little nose is streaming clear goo.  Sorry little guy – you need sleep and so do I.

moonfire signing off…

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One thought on “can I have a new body, please?

  1. Breathing issues totally suck. Pun intended. My baby has been shoving my lungs into my cranium for this past month and it really does drain you having to fight for each breath. I hope it gets better for you soon!

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