Saturday evening…

It’s almost time for bed.  I’ve been reading the first Harry Potter book to Brennan (he loves it), but I suspect tonight I’ll be kicked to the curb because he and dad are playing Battleship.  As I understand it, Bren’s creaming his dad…

Aidan is still miserable with allergies and we saw the doc this past week.  It’s sure different when you’re uninsured… $120 for the visit versus the old $20 co-pay.  Still, we are a healthy (relatively speaking) family and we don’t go to the doctor often.  $400 per month just for our premiums and how will I be able to afford to take the kids (or us for that matter) after that’s deducted.  That’s 1/5 of my net.  We’re talking about getting a catastrophic policy and just going that route, but it makes me ill (no pun intended) to think of going without full insurance.

I’m still struggling with feeling like I’ve lost something in not being with Aidan.  I say this as he is sitting on my lap, smelling suspiciously like he’s carting a load in his diaper, and he’s enjoying crackers (with the attending crumbs).  He’s been really clingy with me lately and I’m wondering if the two of us aren’t feeling some of the same things, just for different reasons.

As for work… I’m working harder than I’ve had to in years.  I mean MANY years.  This is demanding, stimulating, frustrating, interesting, and sometimes insanity-making work.  When I’m there and I’m busy, things go so fast that I’m shocked when the end of the day roars up on me.  At the same time, I get home from it and I’m wiped out beyond belief.  School is suffering for it, too.

I’ve had some conversations with myself this evening, wondering if I’m really cut out for graduate school and at the same time wondering if everyone goes through that inner struggle at some point.  And there’s also this massive, deep-seated pessimist in me that wonders if I’ll ever be able to earn enough to make up for the rapidly piling up cost.

I’ve never really earned what could be called a “substantial” living, so I think that I’ve begun to suspect that it doesn’t exist for me… no potential.  I don’t want it to sound like that’s all that matters to me, but I’ve got a rather hideous student loan bill and I need to be able to satisfy it.  I have done a lot of thinking about what kinds of rewards an employer could give me for outstanding work done and I have to be honest that there’s really only one thing that would drive me – time with my children.  If I could bank my OT for equivalent time off… I would in a heart beat, even with the previously noted hideous insurance premiums…  (and those premiums result in a deductible of $1000…. per person)…

I remember what it was like at my old job and I don’t, not even for a microsecond, regret my decision.  I honestly couldn’t have chosen otherwise.  And I’m amazed that I have a job where I am challenged and enjoying the challenge so much.  There is no comparison between my situation now and what it was then…

What I do think about, a lot, is how I feel a sharp sense of loss about my time.  As someone at work said, it is like I’m wishing away my life by always wishing to be through the day so I can be home with my family… or wishing away the week so I can be home on the weekend.  I’m just not sure how to overcome it… If I can.

I’ve been productive today, even as I discovered late this afternoon, that I am lost in my class.  Somewhere, during the last two weeks, I got left behind and I’m panicking a bit because midterm is next week and I’m not remotely ready.

It makes for a tense and unhappy Saturday evening.

Life is never simple, but it seems like I keep finding ways to make mine more complex.  I’d love to quit it and just quiet down a bit.

Oh well.  It’s time for cuddles with the boys and maybe, I hope, some Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.



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