A down day…

Work was good – so this has no reflection on that.  Unfortunately, I went to the gym later than I wanted to and it was the beginning of the end.  I was supposed to do my cardio and my weights tonight.  Got in a bare minimum cardio workout and couldn’t face the weights.  It actually got to the point where I was feeling completely emotional and needed to leave.

I’m fairly certain it’s hormones and fatigue mixing in a big bad way.

Normally I leave the gym feeling great.  Tonight?  I felt like a big fat failure and wanted to just go crawl in bed.

Well…. maybe that’s exactly what I need.  Maybe I just need sleep and a night off from worrying about the final push for school.  I’ve been going hard for the last four weeks – ever since my birthday weekend.  At some point I think a person just gets worn out on all of the pressures.  I wish I could just enjoy the fact that I’ve got a job I love with a company that I think is fantastic.  Yesterday the CEO of the company told me that they are really glad to have me there and he told me that he enjoys seeing my smile.

And I don’t want it to sound like I don’t love my program of study, because I do.  It’s just a case of taking on more than I can handle in a reasonable day.  I need to lose weight, keep my kids safe and healthy, learn a new job that is intellectually challenging, AND manage to study for two classes that are dense with material.

I’m not complaining.  I don’t have a single thing to complain about right now -ok, except for my weight which is my own damn fault.

I just feel weepy and awful, seemingly for no reason I can discern.

The day I was driving up to my new job, I remember getting a bit emotional and just praying that I wouldn’t fail at this.

I kind of feel like that tonight.  I feel like a failure for letting myself down about working out.  I feel like I blew it.  I can acknowledge what I DID accomplish tonight, but it was less than 1/2 of what I needed to do.  I looked up my BMI and I’m in a scary, high-risk, zone.  This is outside the realm of vanity – because, frankly, I’ve become accustomed to how I look.  And maybe that’s a bit scary too, because I’ve become so focused on other areas that I really don’t care enough about my physical condition.

That’s my emoting for now.  I need to go clean myself up and try to work out where all this emotion is coming from.  It can’t be for nothing, can it???  I’m not the wimpy, emotional person I was last fall.  I’ve found my footing about a lot of things.  I guess that’s why this is coming as such a shock.  It feels really out of the blue.

We can’t have great days every day.  Sometimes things just have to rebalance.  This must be my “rebalancing” day.


I’m off to soak my sore body.  G’Nite from moonfire


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