I didn’t achieve full points in my class discussions this week and I regret that because work reared it’s ugly head and distracted me. I learned something from that experience, however, and I’ll remember it going forward. Things happen. The last two weeks have been rougher than I could have foretold. I might have guessed that the odds favored something messing up my routine, but I had hopes that wouldn’t be the case.
Before I go on, I have to say thank you to CK for her kind words about my Friday night ventings. I even debated removing those postings because I felt like they were just more rehashing of the same old thing. What I came to realize today is this: I post this stuff in the hopes that someone else, going through the same thing out there, might read and go… “Yeah, I know what you mean.” Maybe if we don’t feel so alone, it won’t seem so bad. At the same time, getting words of encouragement helps me. She said a couple things that buoyed me up when maybe someone here, close to me, saying those same things might not be as effective. It’s not to belittle those who are my incredible support net here, but rather we begin to wonder, don’t we? Whether or not they would say those things just because they love us….
The frustration is easing and so, too, will the blue funk. I’m tired today and still grumpy. Tomorrow will bring a new day and so on.
And CK – you’re right. I had to get to this point so I would make the tough decisions that I know are necessary for me to grow and move. Comfy is nice… like those soft jeans that are well worn. But that isn’t the only pair of pants out there. I need a big shove out the door right now. I won’t look back in ten years and be sad about this. I’ll look back in ten years and go “Holy crap! I’m sure lucky things went that way or I’d STILL be there doing work that sucked the life out of me!!”
This next while will be painful and I’m going to have to learn a whole new way to present myself. I’m a little bit intimidated about it. I’ve always had it just a tiny bit easy. Now it’s time to work hard and peel my ass out of the comfy chair. I come from a long line of strong women. I hope they’re all out there, in spirit, cheering me on. I’ll need that extra kick in the drawers.
And yes. I’ll continue to blog this. I need this place. I need this voice. I need to express the ups and the downs… the times when my confidence is high and the times when I feel like I’m falling flat on my face. I’m sure I’m NOT alone out here. I’m sure there are other women going through things like this. I’ll keep telling it all, though. The days when I make the right moves…. and… sigh… the days when I don’t.
For a Saturday night, on the heels of a hellish week,
signing out for the night – moonfire