The ups and the downs

First I have to say this much:  I’m really excited for the people who are a part of the new community college that our little technical college (essentially a part of a larger university right now) will be become.  It’s a neat thing and it’s completely exciting to watch, even though the process of being one of the “remnants” is hard and very painful.

That said, I got my answer today and it was exactly what I thought it’d be.  I’ll be able to stay in my town and won’t have to travel out to the main campus.  And it’s an administrative assistant position – they did compress all the admins into this single level.  At least I got to point out to him that no, I’m not at the same level as all the others in the college and neither is my counterpart out in our other office.

It makes no difference because, at the end of all of this, I’ll be doing the basic office support – travel planning, time sheets, processing payments, supplies inventory and ordering… and serving as back-up staff for the frontline staff.

All those things I’ve spent years developing talents in are gone by the wayside.

I told my friend, who is also the supervisor for our office, that this is just not what I can do for any length of time.  It’s all the aspects of the job I hate and none of the aspects that I worked into and love.

I also told him that it’s ok.  Consider me that baby bird, getting kicked to the edge of the nest.  This is finally what it takes to get me to leave my comfort zone.  I’m home alone right now (and the house is a pathetic, horrid mess) – so I’m going to have a good, cathartic cry and I’m going to let out all my frustration over the last 8 months of ridiculous chaos.  Then I’m going to kick some serious ass in this class, plus the next two even though I may only be able to take one in July due to my new busywork in my job.

I’ll start crafting my new format resume and cover letter for cold-call packets to accounting and cpa firms in my area starting in August.  I’m going to hit the bricks, trying to “sell” myself to a company who will give me a chance.  I need money – not benefits… we can get medical for me and Todd through his student insurance and medicaid for the kids.  I just need to find something that will allow me to pay our bills.

I told my counselor all of this yesterday and I know that she thought I was being pessimistic, but I’m intelligent enough to see the patterns as they fall together.  I’ll have my pity party today and then it’s time to “pull up my big-girl pants” as my dear friend Susan puts it.

I’ll allow one afternoon of wallowing and then it’s done.

We all make choices over the years and you end up living with the consequences of those choices.  Maybe you walk away from a person or you choose to stay in a job that doesn’t work for you.  Maybe you act out of fear and take the safe way…  Maybe you don’t take a chance because you think that you’ll fail.

I did what I thought was ok, for a long, long time.  I made mistakes and I didn’t pursue the right path.  I ended up at this point for a huge slew of reasons.  I can suck it up now and fight my way out because I have to.  I am NOT turning 41 in 2010 being stuck in this position.  I am NOT going to keep making the same mistakes.

I am done with it.


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