ooh, my head!

…and neck.

The headache and neck pain are going full-on.  I want to know why they keep flaring up and how, besides doping myself up on Darvocet… how to get them to stop.

This will be short, as I’m heading to bed early tonight.  Bren had his first day for pull-out with GATE.  His teacher said he did well and she enjoyed having him in there.  He loved it and said it was MUCH better than kindergarten.  We thought there would be other kindergarteners in there with him, but it was first and second graders.  I like that…  it gives him a chance to hang out with older children.

It was funny… he told us it was MUCH quieter than kindergarten.  I’m just glad he enjoyed it.  I want to review the bones with him tonight, but I’m heading to bed in about 1/2 an hour.  Drugs haven’t helped and I can’t afford a massage every other day (I always feel better after Jamie works on me – she’s the best).  So I’m going to try a massive dose of sleep.  Who knows?  Maybe it’ll work!

I was stressing about Bren and his first day in GATE.  We’ve gotten off to a rocky start with the outside projects.  Drawing just really isn’t Bren’s skill area.  I guess I need to figure out how to get it so he can use his strength to complete a couple of his projects…

And thinking like that is tough with a headache like the one I’ve got.

I guess the reason I have been worrying so much is that he has to be reasonably successful in this pull-out program so he’ll be ok for the fall in the full-time program.  If we go through another school year like the majority of this one, it’ll be a bad thing for him.  It’s trying to find a balance that’s the tough part.  I want him to feel free to be open and creative…  still, I want to be able to convey what’s needed about the assignments so he can be successful.  It’s a tight-rope act between giving open, enthusiasm-generating instruction and clear directions that make sense (even with the infrequent “correction” to get him on the right track).

I want to say that I’m up to this challenge, but between headache, work, school, and every other piece of information I’ve got going through my brain, I’m wondering if I’m going to let him down.

Being a parent is hard.  Push too hard and you can turn them off of learning…  Hold back and you run the risk of being “uninvolved.”  Everything is about finding that right mix… a combination of letting them explore and being there as a guide if they need you.  And I have no grandiose ideas about being some kind of perfect parent.  I figure, if I manage to minimalize his need for frequent visits to the psychiatric profession when he’s an adult, I’ve done my job.

I’d add to that – if I manage to get him through school with something resembling a love for life-time learning and a respect for his elders… again, that’d be fine by me.

Everything else could be the extra stuff.

So long as I don’t let him down.  I can live with failing for myself but not for my kids.  Like that’s not putting on the pressure, but that’s just how it has to be.  Someone once told me that I was really engaged, really observant and watchful with my kids.  I take that as a compliment.  The time I get to be with them is so brief, in comparison to all of the time that exists.  How can I not be observant, involved, engaged…?

And I’ll qualify all of that with the comment that I LOVE bedtime… when they are peaceful, quiet, mostly safe and secure.  I love that moment when the noise from their bedroom descends into tiny, rumbly snores.  There are days when I count my blessings that I go to work and there are days when I want to cry because I have to leave them for that same work.

Being a parent is tough.  Being a good parent is even tougher.  We have the most exacting critics in the world and our performance will be measured against a lifetime.

Luckily, mine are still at the early stages where mum is the purveyor of hugs and kisses, snacks… scoldings… bedtime routines and scrubbing behind the ears.  I can pick them up, boss them around, and love on them.  I still have time to mess up, but at least right now they won’t be able to comment on it (much).

Well.  It’s time to shut down and rejoin the family.  I think the dog is drinking out of the toilet and the toddler has soup all over his face.  Bren is bouncing off the furniture and my honey looks like he’s bitten the dust.  It’s a typical weekday evening in our house.

I’m counting my blessings.



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