Insomnia Blog 3.0 – or, the damn I’m too hot blog

Woke up when Todd came to bed after 2am and I was dying from being too hot.  (dramatic… but hey, I’ve been sick for the last week, so it’s reasonable to be a bit dramatic).  I finally got out of bed after squirming for a bit and it was 72 degrees… considering we have the heat set to 67, I was a bit disturbed.  I blearily dragged my butt downstairs and it felt hot and stuffy down here too.  I figure that Todd must have had the fireplace on for 6 or 7 hours straight because I actually had to open the back door and let some air in…. blech.

Nothing is worse (when you are really congested) than an overly-warm house.  Double-blech.

So I got up, did a bit of cleaning, and now I’m sitting here enjoying a nice cold glass of lemon-water.  I haven’t been ultra hungry since I’ve been sick (likely compliments of the congested head and lack of olfactory processes), but I’ve been hellishly thirsty.  I’m craving fresh fruit, onions (not together), and toast.  Hot soup will drift across my thoughts once in a while, but right now cold juice or water and some sunshine sounds absolutely wonderful.  And ice cubes…

I hate ice in drinks, so this is saying something.

It’s funny how our bodies dictate our needs sometimes.  I was just reading an MSN article on how celebrities are able to stay so thin (yes, it’s mostly their high-paid chefs…. duh, no-brainer)…  I actually got some interesting ideas out of the article – meaning that being up at 3am might not be such a bad idea.  I was also pondering the “why” of my being so resistant to eating healthy lately.  I’ve distilled it down into a couple of essential components.  Emotional eating, once again a no-brainer for me…  control issues – I need to establish my own control and right now that feels like a LOT of work added on top of an already busy schedule.  And finally, I feel overwhelmed at how big the job has become.  Hell… it felt a bit overwhelming when I only needed to lose 25 pounds.  Now that the number has grown to 50?  It’s like this massive thing that I can’t even begin to deal with.

It’s going to take a LOT of mental energy to do it.  I know it was rough last time and it’s going to be even harder this time.  I’m working so much…. dealing with school… kids… home… transitions and changes that seem overwhelming.  Todd’s schedule is crushing my own.  No matter how I look at it, I feel like there is more than I can deal with.

Now I’m sitting here, tapping my fingers on keys, wondering if some great epiphany is going to jump out at me.

Not so far.

bah.

nope.

still nothing.

…Well.  It was worth a shot, anyway.  I guess I’d better get back to bed.  It’s almost 4am and I really don’t want to try to make it through the whole day on five hours sleep.  Even a broken seven is better than that.  The dog is stretched out next to me, peaceful and happy that I’m here.  I hate to disturb that, but he can come upstairs and curl up next to the bed.  It’ll be daytime and morning-routine-chaos soon enough for both of us.  Sweetest thing I’ve seen him do lately?  Baby-boy left for gramma’s house early in the morning the other day and Danny (lover-dog) plopped himself down on the front door mat.  He seriously looked bummed that the little dude was gone.  Given that there have been many days when I wondered if he was only good-naturedly tolerating the little dude’s overwhelming love, it was a sweet thing to see.

On a final brief note, I’ve reviewed the syllabus and class schedule for my first class in my accounting graduate degree.  I like the communications from the professor and he is incredibly organized – which he would need to be in order to get us through the necessary material in 8 weeks.  I’ll be covering 2 chapters per week, with all the associated assignments, reading, and discussion postings.  And this is going to be my easy session.  After this one, I’ll be taking two classes per session.  I’ll keep updating about how my Keller experience is going.  So far, I really like the interactions I’m having and it seems like they are highly organized.

The proof will be in the experience with the class itself.  And… ultimately, what I take from it will depend on what I’m able to give to it.  Last night the volunteer who got me “drafted” into helping the Mie Mie family asked me how I’m going to do it all.  I told her I’d just have to make it all work.  Here’s the breakdown on the whys…

Tutoring provides extra needed income and it’s the way I was introduced to the family.  I’ve learned how incredibly hard teaching is and at the same time I’ve learned how rewarding it can be.  I won’t be officially tutoring after 4/15, but I’ll still continue to help the family learn and grow here.

Being a volunteer and helping the family feeds the service need I have.  Knowing that I can make a difference to them and for them?  That surpasses the cost to me in time and energy.  Actually, I think helping them gives me a boost of energy and confidence that has been lacking for a while.  I need it for my soul.

Working at the day job is nothing more than an means to keep my family in a home, with our bills paid.  I don’t see it as being anything more than that.  I’m simply lucky enough to work with a small group of people that I love dearly.  The rest of it has no long term meaning for me, unless things seriously change over the next 4-6 months, which I doubt.

School is about digging my family out of this cycle of living paycheck to paycheck.  It’s about our future.  It can provide for my family in as short as a year.  Todd’s schooling will payoff in about 4-5 years… too long for us and our current needs.  I’ve looked over the materials and the syllabus.  I’m going to like this class in a big way – it’s concrete.  It’s logical.  It’s organized.  My poor little overwhelmed spirit looked over the materials yesterday and let out a big sigh of happiness.  My brain looked at the schedule and did a little shimmying dance of “Oh my god, how am I going to do all this work?????”

Well.  I will.  I am known for my stubborness.  Let’s call it drive, rather than stubborness, ok?  I will have to find a way to tap into that drive and milk it.  Keller has a good program.  If I can pull through this, I really believe I can improve my family’s life.  If Brennan and Aidan can hang in there for the slightly less than 18 months it’s going to take to pull this off, I promise I will make it up to them by backing off on things.

I was thinking of how to teach Brennan about the number line, because it’s a great graphic way to see how positive and negative numbers are related.  Well, that’s how I could explain my working on school…  I will debit out time and energy from my family for a relatively short-term period – let’s say 16-17 months.  I know I’ll go into the “red” for a bit and they will bear it.  I just have to remember that it’s going to be a debt owing when I’m all done.  My kids are going to need a whole bunch of paying back when this is done.

ok… Bed is finally calling.  I’m finishing up this water and heading back upstairs.  Even a bit more sleep will help me manage my day.  And for the record… I know I’m nuts.  I know that I’ve got myself stretched really thin.  But what would I give up?  Stop tutoring those kids who have been abandoned by their mother?  Not help a family who is trying to rebuild a life here?  I’ve been a part of a family like that and I know it can be hard.  Not go to school so that I can support my family better and get out of a job pattern that makes me feel more worn out as each year passes?

What would you cut out?

Wishing all a good morning,
moonfire

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