One of those “odd” days…

I’m a bit disconcerted and out of it today.  I wish I could quantify and express why, but I don’t know for sure.  I’m tired and yet oddly awake. 

Todd and I talked this morning, about our lack of exercise and our busy schedules.  It feels like we’re fighting (not each other) to just figure out how things are supposed to go.  It hits me now that as a child I never saw my mum go through this.  She always seemed to know what to do and was our rock.  What I’ve figured out now is that this probably was all I saw, being a self-oriented, egocentric (and typical) child.  Mum always had the answers. 

I feel like I never have the answers… 

Give a choice, I think I liked being a child better! 

Anyway, I had an interesting conversation with my friend, Helen, last night.  Actually, we always have interesting conversations… so perhaps that was a silly thing to write.  Hmm…  That’s a thought.  Our conversation centered around the “social masks” people wear in order to act like well-functioning grown-ups.  I’ve noticed that most people have serious flaws and dysfunctions that they bury under a mask of normalcy.  This likely ties into my notion of the “iceberg theory,” in which what we see of others around us is just this small portion of the whole that makes up the person and their life. 

I think we must wear the social masks in order to function with others… If we didn’t, those around us would end up distracted by our failings and be unable to truly trust in our abilities.  Maybe that’s overstating it, but I don’t think so…

Helen mentioned that she was able to see hints of this in an old boyfriend that she saw at a recent gathering and that was extremely interesting to me.  Perhaps, given the close and intimate relationship of the past, she was able to see past the social mask that he likely has and she was able to see those failing…  Or the alcohol he’d had made his mask more inefficient or he simply doesn’t have an efficient mask to begin with?

Or it’s more likely a combination of all of those things, blending together.

Under certain circumstances, I think my social mask is a very flimsy construct.  I’d love to think that I have firm grasp on who I present myself as, but in reality I might be really weak.  There are some aspects of myself that I have firmly put out of the glare of daylight.  Over the last few years, I’ve discovered that some things are best left to only my most close friends.  The rest of the world is too cold and unforgiving to share the vulnerable side with.  At the same time, I do share a great deal on here… so I don’t know… it’s a strange thing – this balance between opening up on a blog and keeping some things strictly tucked away.

Am I blathering and wandering all over the map?  Maybe.  I’m tired and I feel crummy today, so maybe this isn’t as coherent as I’d hoped for.

On more mundane topics, Todd and I talked about a fledgling plan that will get me working out each day now.  We’re going to get the small car registered again and then I’ll drive it over to campus at the hideously early hour of 6 or 6:30 am, when there is actually street parking to be had.  I’ll be able to work out, shower and get into work, plus I’ll have the car available at the end of the day to head off to tutoring.  Todd will have the van and be in charge of getting the kids ready for gramma and school.

Hooray!  A plan.  And not only that, one that is actually feasible.  It’s a freaking miracle!

(hyperbole is so much fun)

Finally, today is my mum’s birthday.  I send her a big, warm, gushy Happy Birthday and hope her day is a great one!  I love you, Mum!

Cheers on this icy January day…


One thought on “One of those “odd” days…

  1. Actually, I didn’t have all the answers, but I did have priorities. We needed a roof over our head and food on the table. For this I had to work long, long hours at the local hospital and be available for emergency call-back every other week. In a time of no day care centers, it was a scramble to find somebody to look after you both. Bless you, Shan, the day you told me you “could look after my little sister better than those babysitters. They can’t even understand what we are saying without a dictionary.” Yeah, you were nine years old and you were right. You did do a better job of looking after your sister in a different, safer universe. Whenever I had free time, it was spent with you guys. We ate breakfasts and dinners together. We camped on the weekends or took trip to the closest city for a day at the rec center, or a movie or other treats. When one or both of you were sick, instead of me being off work, the hospital staff admitted you as a day or overnight patient. It was indeed a different universe.

    So, I look at all you and Todd have to go through to keep your family and household going. It’s a wonder that you guys are able to keep it all together in this universe. Hang in there. It is worth it.

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