Helen tagged me into doing this. It’s my first time, so bear with me while I collect my random and coffee-fueled thoughts together…
1. I know I use […] too much, but it matches how the words sound in my head, so I hope I will be forgiven by those who read my writing and gossip with me via email…
2. My middle name is “Rene” – not pronounced “ren-ay” but pronounced “reen” and it’s a family name handed down. My mum’s middle name is “Irene.” I really like the idea of being named for family, it somehow connects me to the past. Even better? I like the adaptation my mum created. It gives me a sense of the future. My only sadness is that I didn’t have a daughter to pass it on to but I did give my youngest son “Gene” in honor of his great grandfather, Alger Eugene, who was one of the most interesting people on the planet… (so was Todd’s grandfather, Reed Coulam).
3. I laugh inappropriately, often, and I cry really easy – whether I’m happy about something or sad or disturbed or… you get the idea. (and see #1. Don’t say I didn’t warn you)
4. I often wish I could live up to my own expectations of the world, but more often than not, I can’t. I am more willing to cut kids slack than I am adults. I think too few people live lives of self-reflection and scrutiny.
5. I love my husband’s legs and his sense of humor. I sometimes find myself watching him, amazed at how beautiful he is, even with his quirks. I’m fairly certain he would squirm over being called beautiful, but would find a silly comment to make to me about it. And I love how much of him I see in our youngest son. That’s a very lucky little boy.
6. I used to have an Isuzu Imark, with turbo, and I LOVED the hell out of that car. It was zippy and fun. I’m still really pissed off at the car repair place that unplugged the radiator to steam clean the engine, forgot to reconnect it causing it to overheat and then LIED about it when the head cracked and my beloved car had to go to car heaven. Damn.
7. When I was little, I worried about not cuddling all my animals equally and hurting some of their feelings. Still, my favorite was my white harp seal, named Salty, who has now been passed on to Bren. It makes me happy that she is still loved and appreciated. Even though she was representative of a baby seal, I always thought of her as a mother-figure. I think Brennan does too.
8. I had a cat named Killer when I was in elementary school. I loved that cat. She would growl and hiss over tomato slices. I lied to my mother (sorry, but it’s not like you didn’t figure it out) so I could keep her. I regret the lying but not the outcome. I still miss that cat. She liked to sit on my chest and purr. I think that was the most comforting feeling in the world. One time I had a stare-down with her and she reached over, ever so gently, and grabbed my nose (by one nostril edge) with her teeth. I never stared her down again.
9. I still hate lima beans and the thought of liver or tuna casserole with water chestnuts makes me gag. I’d rather shave off my eyebrows than eat tongue and frankly, sometimes meat makes me queasy. I don’t know if I have the strength or discipline to be a vegetarian but if Todd would handle all the cooking for it, I’d be game.
10. I get embarrassed for TV/Movie characters and have had to turn off whatever I was watching because it was too much for me.
11. Vanity makes me wince, but my out of shape body makes me embarrassed that I haven’t taken care of myself. I feel guilty about it, even as I want to tell myself to get over it. I’ve begun to wonder if I’ll ever feel like myself in my body again. Even knowing I did it before doesn’t seem to help. I’m just glad that sometimes it doesn’t matter because I know there are much more important things for me to be focusing on.
12. I think my sense of humor is impaired. I’ll leave it up to the reader to decide what that means. (I also think this is why I married my husband – he has extra to spare)
13. I love the smell of my children’s hair and like to rub my face against their heads when they cuddle with me. They have the scent of little kid mixed with soap, dust, and living. I would be devastated if I lost my sense of smell.
14. I sometimes think the only thing I’ve ever truly done right is being a mom. I’m often convinced that I am a complete failure at everything else. I suspect that I was really created to be a mom, whatever that might mean. I’m just glad my husband understands so well and loves me in spite of my flaws.
15. I do complex logic puzzles for fun and, if money and time were no object, I would take math classes (from the lowest level on, until gradually I was doing highly advanced classes) and physics classes – ok… add in chemistry and biology too. I have had several times when I wished I had enough life times to learn all the things I am curious about. Even so, sometimes I read really bad historical romances or paranormal romances… my mum calls them safe sex.
16. When I was a teenager I felt awkward and ill-at-ease in my own skin, unless I was dancing. When I was dancing or when I was in ballet class, I felt like I was who I was meant to be. I am a bit shaken at how little I dance now and it makes me wonder why I have stopped. I’m beginning to think that might be why I feel so unhappy in my body now. I really hope that both my boys learn to love dancing as much as I do. And I’m embarrassed that I questioned Brennan so much about wanting to take ballet.
17. My best thinking happens between 2am and 4am. I really wish this wasn’t the case because I’d rather have a good night’s sleep. My brain and I have had several arguments about this, but so far I seem to be losing.
18. I am bossy.
19. My mum and dad split up when I was three. As I’ve grown older, I’m really glad, even though I know how hard it has been on my mother to raise two kids as a single mom. She did an amazing job and I wouldn’t change anything about our lives together. Now that I’m a parent, I am stunned at how she was able to do all that work without losing her mind (mostly) and it makes me all the more grateful for the man that is my life partner. Still, I think about what my dad missed out on and I suspect he lost more than he could ever fully know. That makes me sad for him and he is paying for the decision he made as a young man for all of his life. When I was young, I thought of my future family and I always pictured it as me and my children, with the partner absent. With Todd I learned that it doesn’t have to be that way. Now I never see myself alone with my children… I see the four of us, together.
20. I am tactile and completely unable to pass a rack of clothes without feeling the fabrics. I love how things feel and I like the sensation of texture against my hands. On the other end of the sensory spectrum, I hate strong scents, bright lights, and loud noises. I think the majority of my drinking in my 20’s was to dull the overload of everything around me. When I am sick or over-tired, it’s even worse. While I was delivering my second son, my dear friend came to help and she had brightly colored objects in her hair… It was painful for me and still makes me hurt at the memory of it. I’m glad I didn’t say anything to hurt her feelings about it, but I think I need to have some kind of warning label on me so people understand that it’s like being hit physically and not that I’m being critical. Because of my sensory sensitivity, I’ve sometimes wondered if I have a disorder because it is REALLY hard for me to deal with.
21. I think I’m socially awkward and it’s getting worse as I get older. Yay me.
22. I love the ocean, the mountains, the west coast, islands, and beds with lots of covers. I want to travel as soon as the kids are old enough to appreciate it and hold it in their memories. I want to visit Ireland, Scotland, England, France, India, Russia, China, Japan, Brazil, Egypt, and other countries that will come on to my radar as I learn about them. I don’t want to go into space because I’m claustrophobic, but I think space exploration is important and would visit Mars if I could teleport there (ie, no small, enclosed ship to get there).
23. I cuss. I cuss a lot. My mother taught me to cuss when I was 9. I don’t remember what the word was, but we can all blame her for it. I personally think it’s a good way to let out stress. She also taught me to throw dishes at the side of the house to let out my anger. She was, and is, an excellent mother. Good thing I’m becoming more like her every day!
24. My little sister is brilliant, beautiful, and talented. Her husband is a great guy and I think he has made her mellow out a lot. I like the way they compliment each other and I wish they lived closer to us. When we were little, I used to grab my sister around the head and run with her trailing along with me. I’ve decided that I’m really lucky she didn’t grow to be bigger than me (like all the family threatened) because she would have kicked my ass up one side and down the other. I’m looking forward to the influence she will have on my boys as they grow up.
25. And finally… (HA! There it is again!) I love writing but I often resist the rules of grammar so I can keep my sense of voice. Since my writing is based on the voice (singular, not plural which would imply that I need some mental health care) in my head, my syntax may not always work for my reader. Sorry about that. I try. I edit. But I can’t help myself. Once I took linguistics from the absolutely wonderful and sorely missed, Mary-Ellen Ryder, I accepted my need for my sense of voice and haven’t looked back. Not much, anyway. If I offend any out there with my free and sometimes uneasy use of language, I’m a bit sorry. Ignore it… interpret and revise it… call me on it… I’m fine with that. But please, please, please… don’t expect me to change.
Cheers and tag, you’re it…