home again…

It hit me today – my job is unnecessary.  With all the budget cuts at work, my job is the most easily discarded.  I don’t know if this bothers me or not.  The two major duties I have were given to someone else back in October.  It wasn’t done as a punitive measure, at least as far as I can tell, but it left me with little in the way of complext duties.  Essentially, the work I have left could be shifted to the front desk ladies and I could be gone.

Part of me wants to just have them get rid of me so I can move on with life.  Part of me wants to hang in there and use the fee waiver so Todd can get through the spring.

Part of me doesn’t care either way.

I go into work and the apathy starts from the moment I hit the outer door to our building.  By the time I reach my office, I feel almost totally numb.  Nothing I do there is significant or challenging.  Nothing I do there needs me or my skill set.

When I do an assessment of what I have to offer an employer, I am gradually feeling that I have less and less to give.  I used to have advanced level skills in Access – both working within an existing database AND designing one.  Now?  I don’t think I could even pull a query.  I used to be intermediate in Excel…  now I can do the basics… but not much else.

I’m no good at sales, at least as far as I can tell.  I hate trying to persuade someone to buy something.  I can’t do collections.  I like kids.  I find adults are fatiguing.  I like figuring things out and analyzing patterns, whether in data or processes.

I don’t know what all this adds up to.  By my count, we’ve got two more months – January and February – before things are beyond the point of return.  Best case, I think we can make it through March.  That’s dependent on several things…

I know this isn’t all on me.  We need to keep trying to find a job for Todd.  I still have to figure out how I can find another job and not just that, but find one that pays more than I’m making now.  It needs to be a plan that will work within the January – March timeframe.

Not much pressure at all…  yeah.

My head hurts…  I want to run away from everything.  I want to beat my head against a wall…

I keep looking at options.  How do I choose?  This isn’t a “forever” decision.  It’s something to help us get through this time.  I guess that’s the most important thing to remember.  In a year or two or more, things will turn around and my time will happen.  I’ve got a short window in which to work, to get some quick training that will put me into a marketable state.

It has to be something that will pay off.  I know I can’t depend on my existing experience and skills.  I’m one of many at this point.  I have to change those odds.  I can’t do anything to change Todd’s situation, so I guess it has to be mine…

Maybe?

Or do we funnel the money into Todd’s training and get him up and running?

Crap.  Another option.

It doesn’t change the problems at my job.  So maybe I need to keep on this track and find something to help me move.

Is it any wonder I’m stressed out and feeling completely insane?

Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn….  What the hell am I going to do?

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