A little music in the morning

I dug the small boombox out of one of the many boxes still haunting us from the move last month.  We tuned into the BOB.  What a funny name for a radio station.  They play fantastic music – a mix of things from the 80’s through to now, although I think they might be sneaking in some stuff from the 70’s too.  Terence Trent D’arby to ACDC.  I kid you not.

So we had it tuned in while we got laundry folded, beds stripped, and kids bathed.

It’s amazing what a difference it makes to your energy.  The hideous pressure in my head is starting to ease off, mostly by releasing disgusting things… but I won’t go into that.  The point is that I’m still sick, but I think I’m getting better finally and that means my energy is low.  Having something kind of boost me up is nice.

Bren’s got the MIB II special features on.  We’ve been listening to “Nod Your Head.”  Damn.  I love Will Smith.  He’s gorgeous, funny, talented musician…  and did I mention that he’s hot?  [grins]

Time for an assessment.  Where are things now?  Well.  Figuring out a few things Friday night definitely helped.  I think getting some of the physical pressure in my head to ease off is helping too.  Being home and getting some almost decent rest is making a difference.  Baby boy still had me up at 5am, but I managed to get back to bed for a while.  Then I ended up with oldest son in bed too, while dad was finishing up getting ready to head off to work for the day.  Todd came out, saw the miscellaneous children flopped on the bed and started to chuckle.

Crap… they’re talking about the Wormies.  Those are some funny little dudes.  Combination puppets and CGI.  This is fascinating stuff.  No wonder Bren’s so into the special features.

Anyway, I’m beginning to do better.  There are things that mum helped me remember yesterday, things I’m not going into here, but they are important and I had forgotten about them.  They resurface every now and again.  I’ve begun wondering how much those play into some of the things I have problems with.  At the same time, it’s about acknowledging that back-story and not wallowing in it.

It was good to talk to her though.  I hope her groceries survived it.

Boy.  I’m having a hard time concentrating.  The special features on here are pretty neat.  Maybe that’s my clue… give it up, enjoy the stuff with Bren and then get back to work.

***

The boys got hungry, again.  So it was snack time and I completely lost my train of thought.  That’s fine.  It’s a Sunday.  No office to deal with today.  That’s a good thing.  I’d rather do laundry and clean the house than be there anyway.  If it weren’t for my co-workers, I don’t think I could even begin to get myself to go there each day.

Final thought and then I’m back to laundry and cleaning bathrooms (ooh, ahhh).  I’m over-tired.  I’m sick.  Those two alone make for pretty awful environmental factors as far as depression.  Add in the money thing, the job thing, the general news lately…  No wonder I’m a mess.   I wondered yesterday too… perhaps, in our household at least, perhaps we’re the type of family that can only handle one student at a time.  Maybe we have to live with that.  Honestly, we can’t afford student loan payments plus Bren’s childcare, plus the general cost of things now, on our income.  So that’s part of why I need to be taking 2 classes per semester in a degree seeking program.  I’m not going to magically be making an extra $400-500 per month and yes, Todd could take on more work, but he hasn’t had a lot of luck with that so far.

We might well be trapped into something that we’ll have to make work.

The good news is that Bren’s before- and after-school care won’t cost so much next school year.  He’ll be in first grade and we might be able to get away with only after-school care.  That’ll be a substantial savings for us.

That still leaves my student loan payments.

I don’t know what we can do about them.  I know going back to the early childhood program is a great idea for me.  I’m ready and I understand more about why I want to do it.  My issue is the timing.  Is this truly the best timing for me?

I have to give that some serious thought.

If it’s not, then I need to accept it and just hang in there for a while longer.  Because, if I do this and the timing with our finances and Todd being in school is already too much for us, then I could really blow it.  I’ll be running out of chances if I blow it this time.

The tough part is the student loan deferral.  I might be able to get a year deferral due to our financial situation.  That would help us out until next year.  Then we could evaluate things at that point.  I guess it’s time to be realistic about what I have the ability to deal with.  I used to think I could do all of this.  Now?  I’m not so sure.  And realizing that – accepting it and coping with it?  Well, that’s what being an adult is all about.

Crap.  The headache is creeping back in.  Time for more painkillers.  Ugh.  Ridiculous.

Until next time…
moonfire.

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