you do the best you can

Sometimes you are able to make concrete, thoughtful decisions.  Sometimes… you have to listen to your heart.

And sometimes your head and your heart can’t agree, no matter how hard you try.  I get that.  I’d love to say that it was all easier before I had kids, that trying to make the best choices with them in mind has made it all the harder to choose, but that’s not true.

It’s always been hard for me.  There has always been a fight inside of me – the need to be service-oriented (heart-led) versus the need to earn money.  Todd and I had a long talk last night… on the cells, since he was at work… and I told him that each time I’ve made choices based on money, things have been a disaster.  It’s only when I work from where my heart is that I seem to find the right path.

Here’s the problem….  following your heart doesn’t exactly pay the bills.  Todd can certainly appreciate this.  If he were to pursue his music, we’d be living in a box.  Not that he’s not good…  he is very talented.  The fact is that music simply doesn’t pay – at least not for most of the musicians in the world.

Now, there are TONS of people who find a way to bring the head/heart issue into alignment.  I thought LIS would be the answer for me…   Here’s the question that excavates that problem:  How come I enjoy the education theory classes but find that I struggle to engage in the LIS theory?  I recently read Todd a passage from one of my assigned articles.  He told me last night that he knew I was on the short track to leaving the program when he heard that reading.  Now that’s just one opinion.

And the theory is only the first year….

So let’s talk about those fears I mentioned last night.  I’m afraid about teaching.  I’m afraid I won’t be able to get a job after all this.  I’m really afraid that I’m simply too old.

I could give up on all of it, apply like crazy to get a better paying admin. support job and turn into a complete drone.  Yeah.  That will happen.  (where the hell is my fairy godmother when I need her??)

Kellie asked me what she had to look forward to and I know what she means.  If I’m simply working to pay the bills, what is that going to mean when I get to the end of my life?  What difference will it make if I’m here for a lifetime and I don’t manage to do something that is meaningful?

And what am I teaching my children?

Maybe I’ve said this before, I don’t know.  The tough part about being able to visualize the outcomes of many paths is that no single one seems like the right answer.  How lucky it would be if I saw the world in terms of black and white, straight-forward answers…

I can keep digging into this… I can keep questioning…  It’s not going to resolve anything.  I honestly don’t know if I’ve made the right decision.  Aidan’s sitting here beside me, gnawing on his bottle and sorting his toys into little groups… singing his little song (pretty amazing, considering that he’s got that bottle in there too).  The kids don’t care what I choose.  They don’t care if I’m working as a librarian or as a teacher.  They just want me to spend time with them and love them.  If I can keep the food coming, then I’m pretty awesome too.

My head hurts and my throat hurts.  I’m tired (thanks, Aidan, for keeping me up the last three nights).  I’m not buried under depression right now, but I am lost.

You know what I think I’d be best at?  Being a gramma… with lots of grandkids.

Poor Todd.  I must drive him absolutely nuts.  I drive myself nuts.  As Todd would say… “It’s a short trip.”



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