More rambling, because that’s just how life is.

I’d love to write that all is well…  that I’ve found some kind of comfortable acceptance of my educational path and goals.  I’d love to say that digging into my readings this weekend made a difference and that I’ve had some sort of epiphany about my choice.

I can’t.

I’m looking into options for my choice.  I’m digging around, looking for research on-demand and intelligence on-demand companies.  I’m looking at less traditional paths for folks with information science degrees.  I don’t know where the digging will take me, but I’m hoping that it will improve my spirits.

That’s the “taking a chance” part of what I’m up to.

The sucking it up and working part of me is hating the reading I’m doing.  Gah.  This doesn’t appeal to the curious information seeker in me.  I struggle to make sense of why it matters… and the only thing that keeps me going is the use of my education coursework to frame it.  I miss those classes.  Now there was theory that I really enjoyed.  Child development…. developmentally appropriate practices…

But I can’t imagine myself being a preschool teacher and trying to pay off the damn student loans.  I also can’t imagine crawling around on the floor or trying to help small children when I’m mostly deaf in my left ear.  Still, I miss those classes and the models we studied.  Early childhood education is fascinating.  I loved it.  I didn’t love the over-crowded elementary class that I spent three hours in – but it excited me to think about the possibility of starting an alternative school.

But I needed to be home with Brennan when he was so sick and then it was the financial thing that crushed it.  I made the tough choices and stayed home with him.  If money weren’t an issue, I think I’d head back to it at this point.  The hardest part was how much I loved the material.  Even though I won’t have small children forever, I found that it was truly wonderful to see the patterns that emerge in early literacy….

Watching Brennan live what I was studying is one of the best parts.  I could see the meshing of all of my studies.

I’d like to feel just that excited about my info science studies.  I keep wondering if this weekend won’t help me get there.  That’s my hope at this point.

I’ve got a running dialog going with a friend of mine about what constitutes intellectual pursuit and whether or not it’s necessary to go the advanced degree route or if it could be resolved a different way.  We are unanimous in the opinon that school isn’t the only avenue.  I want to add to this a comment on how we define success for ourselves.

Initially, I think I chose LIS because I was seeking intellectual challenge, as well as a way to progress into an actual career – something that has been missing for me all of my adult life.

I don’t want this to sound like I’ve completely written it off, because I haven’t.  What is happening, rather, is that I am faced with a struggle and a fight.  I am struggling against the material and my lack of interest in what we are currently working on.  I am struggling against my own personality, my need to have something concrete to DO.  Somewhere, somehow, during the last couple of years, I’ve come to a point where just reading things doesn’t do it for me.

Let me take that back.  I LOVED being a biochemistry major.  Other than serious illness crushing me back then, I truly believe that I would have completed it and would have ended up being a chemist.  I loved working at the bench…. it was beautiful – poetic – to do that kind of work.

Organic chemistry was my challenge and I rose up to it…

That class makes the current topics I’m studying seem like, well, Bren’s kindergarten material.  That was some seriously tough stuff and I really loved it.  Could I do it now, with the time commitment it requires?  No.  Absolutely not.  I have a family to care for.  9-10 hour days spent studying just isn’t a possibility.

Math.  Logic.  Patterns.

I miss that.  I listen to Todd working away on his homework, muttering about things and once in a while, telling me what he’s doing.  I’m JEALOUS.

How do I reconcile that with my love of helping people?

I don’t know.

Is there a career that is based on logic and reasoning, as well as people?  Is there a way for me to get unstuck in my professional life, to make a decent living so my family won’t be worrying about how we’ll pay our bills?

Is there something I can be doing or am I really only going to see a change by doing a graduate degree?

If I continue with LIS, am I going to be trapped into having to move away from here, where our families live?

I’ll be 40 in the spring.  I’m tired of things as they are.  I want to know how to make the changes I need to in order to improve our lives together.

So no.  School isn’t a simple answer for me.  LIS isn’t necessarily the best route either.  The thing is, I don’t know what is.  I’m not a stupid person…  I just can’t seem to break free of this mental calcification.  A long time ago, I ended up on this path.  For good or ill, I came to this point.  I don’t want to make the same mistakes I have to this point and end up hating where I am in 10 more years.

Someone told me that work is called work for a reason.  I would argue this:  it doesn’t have to be.  There has to be something that is my place in all of this.  It doesn’t have to be that much…  and it doesn’t have to be the thing that drives anyone else but me.

As I close, I’ll say this final thing… work isn’t everything in life, anyway.  When I am old and gray, I want to be with my grandchildren and my family.  I want to watch my kids grow up and enjoy my time with them (even when I want to duct tape them to the wall).  I want to hug my honey and laugh with him over all of our adventures.

Work is a means to an end, that’s all.  It can be a personal expression…. it can be a drudgery…. it can be challenging and it can be any other descriptor you choose.  I just want it to be the right thing so that it will smoothly connect with the rest of my life.  That’s all I’m asking for.

Big wishes, huh?  And who knows if it’ll ever happen.  I may be dissatisfied with my work life for the rest of my time.

ugh.  What a thought.

I’m going to go find some dream time.  Maybe the answer will come to me in a dream??

grumpy, tired, and really sick of reading….


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