I set up the appointment with the EAP counselor to talk to them about what I’m going through. So this is an “in-between” follow-up to what I was saying yesterday.
I’m not so tired today and I will get the readings done that need to be done, as well as post to the discussion board and continue plodding away at this. Perhaps the biggest change from yesterday is that I’m simply less tired than before. Well, that, and Todd and I talked about my feelings on this whole subject.
To give an analogy… there are people in this world that drain me. Just talking to them sucks the life out of me and I end up wanting to lie down on the floor to sleep. There are others that bounce energy back and forth, creating this interesting atmosphere where you can feel like anything is possible.
My studies are like the former, rather than the latter.
I have been told that if I can make it through the tedium of the theory classes, I’ll get to the interesting ones. Figure it as dessert after the nice healthy meal.
Is this a case of the “grass is always greener?”
I read Kari’s answer to yesterday’s blog and I truly understand the message. I do. But here’s a question back… What if this was the wrong relationship to begin with? What if all the research that I did lacked one thing that was crucial to the decision-making process… We didn’t “live” together first…?
You know what has made me feel great in recent months? I have helped students here on campus… One went out of her way to stop back by my office, to say thank you. I’ve given job leads to a variety of our non-trads who walk in.
That is satisfying in a way that I am not even close to getting in my degree program.
I don’t want this to sound like I’m discounting the work I’ve done to get to this point. I’ve thought long and hard about the why’s of it. I’ve talked to people, especially people like me who have broad interests, who like helping others, and who have this curiosity and drive.
I like to help people, that’s why I’ve consistently scored overwhelmingly that I should be a counselor. But I have to be able to give solutions – concrete solutions – that will help people. My nature is such that I can’t offer “fluffy” answers and I have a high empathy level, so letting go of other people’s issues would be very hard for me… consequently, I’ve avoided the counseling path with a vengeance.
I feel like I’m sitting at a cross-roads. I can continue to keep working away at this, something that will be an honorable thing to do. I can bring this trip to an end, look at the map again and figure out if I’m headed in the right direction. I’m committed to the end of the semester. I have the call with my director today, if she’s going to be available. Nothing much will change presently, although I really feel like getting out of 513 would be the smart thing for me to do at this point. It’s taking time from other areas that I could focus on.
Well… it’s time to get back to work. We’re still short on staff and we’re still short on money. I need to watchdog things that are truly out of my realm, but that’s how it goes and I’ll get it done. I have no idea what is going to happen and I feel like it’s all a big unknown. Maybe that appointment tomorrow will have a better impact than I’m expecting. Maybe it’ll just help me to deal with all of this.
One step at a time. That’s all I can do. It’s going to be one of those days, the kind that I’m not particularly happy to deal with.
I hate unknowns. I’m jealous of Todd’s program and the math he gets to do.
I feel like I’m in hell and there is no path out of it.
And that’s it for the Tuesday continuation of the Monday angst.
signing off… moonfire.