Well. I may end up working a massive amount of hours each day… or not. I don’t know. I’ll make this short and then I’m going to go curl up with a great book on library and information science. ‘Cause that’s how I roll…
Damn. I crack me up.
I’ve applied for a library page job. I am making myself highly wanted at the crazy job with no expectations. So I used that “position of power” (HA!) to say that I’d stay if they’d let me flex my hours so I could work at the library. They might even let me cut them slightly so I don’t kill myself doing this. We’ll see. I’ve been getting reading and studying done – both in the evenings and at work each day. I’m a multi-tasking goddess now.
And my butt is getting bigger.
This means I decided the “no lunch” thing has to stop. I’m getting a good walk in each day, thanks to walking Bren to school and then up to the university, but now I’m going to make sure I get a swim or workout at the gym in too. I’m also going to cut myself off from crappy food. I say this, even after we just had sloppy joes for dinner with a cinnamon roll for dessert. I’m bad. I know. What a crappy example for my kids.
I promise to be better, but can I please just hang in there a bit longer?
Tomorrow night is social night with some great friends of ours. These are down-to-earth, wonderful folks… I have these great people that have stuck it out with us and I keep counting my blessings. I’ve had a couple moments, even now, almost a year later, where some of that old bitterness comes out, but I’m gradually healing from it. I saw a posting on my ex-best friend’s social networking page and it said “Ding Dong the Wicked Witch is Dead.” It looks like it was posted about the time I deleted my page in that same site.
Now, maybe I’m being too egocentric about it… It’s certainly possible. But it seems like an odd thing to write for no good reason.
Then again, I suppose, in the greater scheme of things, it doesn’t really matter. Things were done and said, by both sides, that neither of us could ever forgive. If I had accepted the way I was treated, I would have been hurt for years. Obviously she felt that there were things she couldn’t forgive… Ultimately, that all turned out to be her choice. The only feelings we can take ownership of are our own. In the end you have to live with your choices.
It means that I now realize both the blessings and the limitations of friendship. I appreciate the people who have chosen us, knowing exactly who we are and accepting us exactly as we are. And I’m gradually learning to let go of those angry emotions that rise up once in a while. It serves no good purpose to hang on to them… Most of all, neither one of us had anything left for the other. I saw the evidence of that when she turned so cold to Todd, something that made me all the angrier because he had stood by her as a friend through things that she conveniently forgot about.
See? Even now those feelings creep back into my world. But it’s not as frequent as it was.
Life continues on. I’m still employed. I have a possible path to get experience in my field, without having to move my family into a cardboard box… I’m actually progressing a bit with my studying and reading, something that keeps me afloat when I start questioning whether or not this was a good idea.
Todd’s got Norah Jones on and it’s making me feel mellow. I’ve just rocked the baby to bed, cuddling him and inhaling his strawberry-yogurt sweet smell. Now I get to read to Bren and cuddle him good night, our ritual each evening. Life is good. It’s not wow good… it’s “end of the day, exhausted and ready to sleep” good… It’s sticky kisses…. stinky little boy breath good. It’s looking at your honey, with the stubbly growth on his face and the cluttered house, and you know that life is just what it should be.
You never know what is coming. If I didn’t wake up tomorrow, it’d be ok. Todd and the boys would get along without me. But while I’m here, I’ll make the most of it.
Good night. Hug the ones you love. Life is too short.