Aidan is still bouncing temps up and down. He’s now to the stage of fighting me on the medicine and he’s getting gradually more cranky. Oy. Still, he’s down for the night (finally) and I’m getting ready to crash. The intense anxiety of the last three and a half days has caught up with me and I feel like I could sleep for days.
I just read Todd’s blog and I have to say that I agree with him. In all the fear and anxiousness of this week, I’ve found a new clarity about many things. Nothing matters except our family. The rest of it is unimportant. I had a lot of moments, sitting there in the ER that second night, where I couldn’t think of anything except what if it was something really bad. I kept telling myself over and over that it was something ridiculously simple. But what if it hadn’t been?
And that’s the point about life. We hear the cliche bit about living each day like it’s our last, but here’s something I’d change about it. If you’re a parent, live each one like it’s the last time you’ll see your children. A little boy died Wednesday, due to heat. I think about his mum and dad, how much they are hurting right now. I think about how I felt seeing that huge number on the thermometer and how I couldn’t believe it. Have you ever had a moment happen where you were horrified and you were helpless to make it stop, that you couldn’t take back something done or change something that was absolutely the worst thing ever?
I felt like I was close to that moment, even though (thankfully) we weren’t. I held him in my arms for 5 hours straight on Thursday night, afraid to go to sleep because he might roll off me and the hospital bed. I didn’t drink anything while we were there because I didn’t want to have to leave him. I watched them stick all those needles in him and I got to leave there with a grumpy, but stable baby. What about the parents who don’t get that?
What about the ones who get the news that the white blood cell count being there IS a problem?
Aidan fell asleep on me tonight and it was beautiful, even with his hot little body making me sweaty. I wish I hadn’t needed to change his diaper and wake him up. I kept leaning forward and kissing his little nose.
Brennan and I had our book time tonight and we lay on the bed Todd and I have stuffed into one of the bedrooms, talking about tomorrow and what we’ll do. I looked at his perfect eyebrows and tried to memorize all the different quirks on his face… the mole on his cheek, the thick, spidery-black eyelashes, and his cool cafe-au-lait colored hair. He is so excited about starting school next month and I share that funky excitement too. Listening to him tell his stories and talk about the things that fill up his days is one of my favorite things to do, even as I sometimes find myself doing the “busy mom” answering that happens, even when you don’t want it to.
I’m grateful for every day I have with my boys. I wish I wasn’t so tired. I wish I wasn’t so afraid of losing them. I promise to try to just live each day with them to the fullest. That’s the best I can do.
Todd’s right. We learned alot about what is most important this week. It was a timely reminder.
As I close, I’ll say this. Aidan is doing much better. The spikes are down into the 101-102 range now. I never thought I’d be this happy about temps there, but I am. He’s still not eating much of anything, but he’s cranky and that’s a step in the right direction too. Thanks to all who gave us thoughts while we were going through this time. It means more than I can say.
Signing off, one tired parent…