Cleaning out the junk

Crap, I’m so freaking tired.  I’ve been up since about 4am.  This sucks.  So I’m dumping MySpace, finally.  Yeah, yeah, yeah.  I know.  Stupid woman for hanging onto that damn profile for so long.  I wrote a lot of blogs on there and they’re like my children.  It hurts to let them go.  But it’s time.

On our trip to Canada in May I got to visit with my uncle.  I hadn’t seen him since our wedding, almost 10 years ago.  Something he told me really impacted me.  He said that worrying makes you sick.  I’ve let really ridiculous things get stacked up and hoarded in my life, to the point that each thing – whether mental or otherwise, has caused me worry.

Ok, so I may have blogged this before…  I don’t know anymore.  I ramble on and then I promptly forget.  The vagaries of age, I suppose.  Losing my mind I mean.  Yep.  That’s confirmed…

So anyway, I am in the process of dumping off my Myspace profile.  This blog has become my new home and honestly, Myspace is a time-suck that I don’t need.  There are a couple of friends on there that I can only keep up with through that link, so I’m a little unsure about completely deleting it.  At the same time, it’s a link to people and times that no longer have a place in my life.  I think letting it go is a wise thing for me, on many levels.

It’s funny that I’ve been doing the same thing here at the house.  Purging things, that is.  I really need to get the baby and pregnancy books out of here.  I’ve got the last of my old maternity clothes bagged up and ready to donate.  I’ve cleaned out all but a couple small things from Aidan & Bren’s baby years.  I’ll keep them for my own memories, but the rest is going.  I’ve been off-loading things as Aidan grew out of them, trying to keep up on our space issues.  Still, gradually I found myself holding on to small things.  I finally bagged up about 2/3’s of them.

The fact is that they are growing.  Aidan’s first year is already getting hazy and dim.  I remember small moments, but most of it has slipped away.  Then again, I read about a woman who had total recall of her entire life and I think about all the tedium that she must remember.  Life is filled with moments that lack significance in the greater scheme of our memories.  The important (high and low) points are what have worth.  The rest is just dross.

Maybe it’s the fatigue of not sleeping long enough.  Maybe it’s the heat or the crappy day at work yesterday.  I don’t know.  What I do know is that I feel blue.  I don’t think it’s deep indigo, or some ridiculous thing like that, it’s more of a soft wash… cast over everything.  I’m sad that Michele is moving.  I’m pessimistic about the possibility of promoting.  I have so many things I want to do with myself and I feel like I’m walking through jello.

Oh and this one is crazy.  I miss my undergraduate studies…  how weird is that?  The open possibilities.  The excitement about classes.  I’m envious of Todd, just starting out really, with all of it out there waiting for him.  Watching his growth as he’s gone through this is amazing.  It has shaken up some of my ideas about his identity as an intellectual being and it’s also reaffirmed some of what I knew, deep down.  He has such a great brain residing in that crazy musician head of his.  It just took him some time to figure out what he needed to be doing.  If someone had told me one or even two years ago that he’d end up a Computer Science major, I would have shaken my head over it.

He needed opportunities to open up so he could find his way.  Like my sister, he has a focus and direction that is almost freakish and wild to see in action.

I wish I had that too.  I feel at sea right now.  I know that my graduate studies are right for me.  I don’t question that.  I’ve spent too much time thinking about it, researching and talking to people.  Perhaps I’m overly-analytical about it.  Then again, I suspect that is truly my issue in all things about life.

I once told someone that people are like ice-bergs… Our interactions with them allow us to see only the tip that is out of the water, out in the social realm.  It’s true, even with the ones we are close to and love.  There is so much more to my boys than even I can see, and I watch them so closely.  There is more to Todd than I see in my interactions with him, no matter how long we’ve been together now.  Eleven years is a long time.  But when you consider how truly complex he is, or I am for that matter, it’s almost impossible to imagine knowing all of that person.

Hell.  I’m still trying to figure myself out.  What a job that is!  Just when I uncover something or some deep, hidden motivation, I realize that there is about a thousand layers that I haven’t even figured out yet.

The cliche about people being like onions is true, but it goes beyond that…  there is no end to it, no center that is the last level.  Perhaps we have core personalities, but each step in knowing… each step in figuring out yourself, truly acknowledging who you really are… it just creates another facet to that core personality.  We aren’t meant to stay as one thing for our entire lives.

Well, I’ve managed to ramble on long enough that it is now actually time to get ready for work.  Time has flown by.

Cheers on this Tuesday morning,


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