So here we go

I’ve been in a pretty heinous depression for the last few weeks and it seemed to peak a few days ago.  I took some active steps and I got some sun, now I’m feeling better but I can sense that edge, that emotional fragility that I’d rather do without.  It happens.  It actually happens a lot with me, although it’s been better in recent years.  I write all this because I’m getting myself ready to drive to the hospital and end my child-bearing years.  It’s such a final thing.  I always thought those years would fade with a whimper, not a sudden event like this.  I know I elected (crap, what a great word) to do this, but there are so many reasons why I need to do it.  I can’t take many more months of completely debilitating periods.

Sadder still, we simply can’t go through another pregnancy and not just because of money.  This last one was hard on me.  I have permanent physical issues because of it and I worry about what the next one would do.

The fact of it is we have our wonderful boys and if life were to end right now, this moment, I wouldn’t have a single regret.  I’ve experienced amazing events…  I’ve got my family, that I love beyond the weakness of trying to express it.  I’ve seen more than just my corner of the world.

But the fact is, that there is always something that I yearn for, some future time or place that I look to and wonder what it will be like to be there.  I’m already trying to imagine how I’m going to feel after it’s done and I have no point of reference at all.  I got pregnant at 19 and had an abortion.  I’ve had miscarriages.  I’ve gone through the years of trying and trying to get pregnant.  I’ve gone through birthing two beautiful boys.  I’ve had the pms symptoms that made me think I was losing my mind and the times when I prayed that my period wouldn’t come… or would, depending on the year.

It’s a hard thing to set down in words, the complex relationship a woman has with her body.  It’s a crazy ride we go on, from the time that first blood appears until the days when it ends.  Whether having children or not, a woman’s body does some completely incredible things.

I didn’t really view it from this perspective until this last few days when I started to really think over what I might experience as far as changes.  My hope is that I’ll be one of the lucky percentage who has their period stop completely, but I’ll settle for much lighter at this point.  At least we’re trying.  And that’s something.

The interesting part was the question from my doctor.  She explained that she is very gentle and careful, but if the uterus were to be perforated would I want it removed.  I had no hesitation in saying yes.  I know there are ramifications, but the reality is that I can’t go on with things as they are.

Anyway, I slept hard and deep last night.  I’m fighting a bug, unfortunate since I have to get in for these procedures today, but I gave my body good rest last night.  At some point this morning, I’ll be drugged and eventually knocked out, waking an hour or so later to my new life.  It’s time to start thinking of myself as more than my reproductive system.  What an idea.  A friend, long ago in the past, called me “Spock Girl”…  Maybe I’ll resurrect my brain out of this funky mess, evacuate the term “potty” from my vocabulary, and get on with the business of reinventing myself.

That sounds like a good way to head off on fresh adventures.



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