I’ll have to make this one relatively short since I’ve got a lot to do (sort of) before I’m out Wed-Fri of this week.
I’m doing better. I got two applications in for promotions. Mum took me out for lunch on Friday and we had a good talk about things. I’m still stressed, but I always do better when I can take action, versus just sitting and feeling helpless about things.
Mostly, though… I’ve finally accepted that I can’t keep doing this kind of work. It’s not helping my mood at all and the particular position I’m in was always a risky one for me to take, in particular because of one of the people that I’m supporting. I’ve always had a weird vibe about here, but I was willing to give it a shot when I thought that I’d have an out by doing my studies and moving into a position that would get me started on my career.
That plan got hacked all to hell by the state dropping the pay scales, so now I’m pretty much stuck until I get my degree done. I can’t volunteer – not on top of work, family and school. I can’t take a lower paying job, not given the cost of things now and the fact that honestly, I don’t think those costs are going to go back down. I’ve had to accept that the world has changed and now it’s time for me to stop being passive about my work life. If I have to be here… and I do…. then I need to be earning more money. I have a family to think about.
As for myself? I need the promotion. I need the intellectual challenge… versus the busy-work challenge that I’ve been facing in my current level. More than anything, I need to feel that I’m making some kind of progression in my work life. Stagnation is one of the leading reasons that I end up feeling unhappy at work.
Now all of this is in contradiction to what I was trying to do back in April and May, when I wanted to decrease my stress. Well, stress goes way up when you’re trying to figure out how you’re going to be able to feed your children. School is coming, both for the grownups and for Brennan, along with all the associated expenses. Food prices have gone up. Gas is unreal and I personally think this is the new baseline for gas prices.
The best thing I can do for my family right now is get off my butt and get promoted to a decent salary. What I make now isn’t going to cut it and it’s not worth the stress of being in a job that I’m not thrilled with. I find this kind of work to be uninspiring and I’ve stuck it out a long time, but I’ve finally reached the end of it.
Wednesday is surgery day. I am going to try to let things go for now so I can relax about the surgery. I’m still not 100% resolved in my feelings about no longer being able to have children, but I wonder sometimes if I ever will be. I’m older now and it’s time to move into a new phase of life. My boys are wonderful. I need to focus on that and let go of what-ifs.
Time to get back to work. There is much to do and I have little motivation. I just hope I can dig some up.