I’m a bit lost these days, I have to admit. I have no energy. I am lethargic and feel worn out on everything, not just work.
Yes. I would qualify it as a depression, but I don’t think it’s something generated from internal issues. In other words, I don’t think it’s some physiological problem, although lack of sleep and a rapidly forming cold are urging it along.
The fact is that I am overwhelmed with making choices and all the stresses that are attacking me. I chose this new job to take myself out from under the thumb of someone who was making me miserable at work, but the truth is that I was hoping for a “fun” job, one that required less intensity from me. That’s not what I’ve got here, although it hasn’t ramped up as horridly as I suspected it would.
I hate being a secretary, no matter how the title is warped or changed. I hate this work. I hate the ongoing drudgery of it and the way my mind is not challenged. What IS a challenge is trying to keep digging up the motivation to continue, day after day, moving forward and getting things done. I have my children’s photos on my desk, reminding me of the “why.” Without this job, my family wouldn’t make it. There’d be no home, no food, and no safety.
I’ve hated this work back as far as my early 30’s, if not before that time. The last two years were made palatable due to my boss. He made me laugh. He made life interesting. I could tolerate it. Maybe that’s why I couldn’t stay in that job any longer. He was done with his time and I knew, deep down, that things were going to change.
I’m not good with change. Let’s be honest here. When you get into something good, it makes it hard when someone comes along and blows it. In this case, nobody changed things… it just was what it was.
I often wonder if I will ever find satisfaction in anything work-related. I love my family and I hate the fact that the majority of my week is spent away from them. Why is it that it’s ok that the most important aspect of life is relegated to only 2 days a week, while the rest of the week is absorbed by things that should not have so much weight. I know there are those folks who will argue about the importance of the “work world” and the tasks that are accomplished. I don’t disagree. I simply think that we’ve lost sight of what matters.
It’s making me sick to let my mind dig deeper into these feelings. I’d like to numb myself against this awareness, but I can’t.
There is something seriously wrong with the world we live in.
I’m going to try to let it go for now. I can’t change it. At least not right now. But it makes me wonder about the long term.