Illness, version 10.1

Bren is sick with yet another bug.  On top of trying to heal from having baby teeth pulled, he is recovering from conjunctivitis and then he picked up a virus on top of that.  It explains (partially, at least) the fits and the misery.

I’ve had it at work.  Yet another instance of faculty and their pain-in-the-ass insistence that they are somehow entitled in ways beyond that of the rest of us.  Between the stress at home and the stress at work, I am shutting down.  My fatigue is overwhelming and the weepiness, combined with the apathy and numbness, have all dragged me into the dirt.  Let someone else deal with this.  I’d rather take a pay cut and give somethings up than stay in this mess. 

I was told to “make things up” on a form that has to be certified by her.  This is NOT in my job description.  I’ve puddled along with her, thinking I’d deal with it but the truth is, I’m sick of it.  I’m sick of her adding to my load with no thought whatsoever. 

My anger and my apathy are mixing into a toxic combination that needs some release.  My ability to do my job well has been gradually declining, as the stresses have taken their toll.  I keep wondering if I’ve ever been doing a good job here or if I’ve just been limping along. 

My chief complaint is that the administrative side is left floundering.  Poor training, ineffective policies and no procedural guides – at least nothing that could be considered a true procedural guide – it leaves us struggling to do our jobs right.  We aren’t given what we need, but we are often told what we are doing wrong.

And this is sad as I do love my department.  They are funny and sharp, with good hearts.  I am worn out and need something where I can reduce my stress.  Graduate school is important for me and my family.  Failing there is NOT an option for me. 

If I stay here I will just keep grinding myself into the ground.  I really don’t think I can do it anymore.

No matter what happens, things move slowly here.  I question how good my score on the test was anyway.  It certainly didn’t reflect what I believe I have to offer the position I applied for. 

I don’t know really.  I just need something where I can function.  I wish I could work as a data entry operator, but that pay cut would be too steep.  So I’ll hang in there for now.  I won’t leave until I find something that makes leaving worth it.  No.  It won’t be a promotion.  It’ll likely be a demotion of some sort.  But we’ll see what happens.

sick and tired of being sick and tired,
moonfire (more like a flicker than a flame)


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