No.  I do not feel witty.  I do not feel pretty, either.

I feel like a lump.  Bah.  No humbug, just a bah.

Why, oh why, did I not set my last day as 12/23????

ugh.

It’s not quite 7pm on a Monday night and here I am, heading for bath and bed already.  I hate being tired and I’m dead-tired.  I know that Thursday, 2:30 pm will come and the tension will leave my teeth… the tension in my neck will melt away… and the stiffness in my right shoulder will be banished.  Joy and freedom from the incredible stress! Yes!

Until then I will take hot baths each night and I will smile.  The end of the tunnel is here and I see a lovely glow, not a rushing headlamp.

***

Saw Avatar this weekend.  Warning – I am prone to gushing about this movie.  It is a visual sensory delight and I greatly enjoyed the story.  I want to visit this place and perhaps stay a while.  Will write more when my sad body isn’t feeling cold and faintly sore.

***

One last note: Our 2-year old is in full fighting mode lately.  Only problem is, he bangs his head on things or against things or even bangs things against his head.  It’s freaky, scary, and we’re rapidly getting frustrated with it.  Do I need to buy my child a helmet??  His anger is amazing to behold.  Who knew such a small, angelic looking child could get so totally pissed off at the world??

***

Happy Winter Solstice,
moonfire

A week from tomorrow I’ll be finishing my final day at the software company.  It’s a mixed set of feelings I’ve got right now.  I don’t want to imply I have doubts, because I don’t.  It doesn’t change the fact that I’m leaving people that I’ve worked with and that represents a connection, even though I’m very happy to go back to my “family.”

I spoke to our CEO today.  He’s a nice man – at least on a personal level.  I’ve really got no idea what he’s like from a business perspective.  He understood when I chatted with him about the insurance.  I told him I know that it’s difficult for a smaller company.  I also put a plug in for my team-mates.  He needs to know how good they’ve been.  I would have lost my mind two months ago if it hadn’t been for the team I work with.

Anyway.  Tomorrow is a half day.  I’m glad.  I’m tired and I feel worn out.  There’s a distinction, believe me.  Tired is physical.  Worn out is more psychological/emotional.

Time to go read a book with the boys.

cheers,
moonfire

I had more blog ideas than time today.  In the end it was finishing up my final that won out.  What a relief.  Unfortunately, while I was trying to save during my final I was getting network timeouts.  ARGH.  So the system told me it took 101 minutes to do the final – um. yeah. – approximately 30 minutes of that was me hitting refresh to get the damn screen to reload.

But it’s done.

***

I ended up talking to an old friend today.  It was a nice feeling.  Who we were way back when we were friends differs greatly from who we are now, so it was a bittersweet thing, but I’m glad I got to hear how she’s doing.  And along that note, I had brunch with a great friend on Sunday.  (yes, Helen, you were right  – that bacon is definitely angel-butt material)  It was fun and mellow and relaxing.  It was just what I needed.  We don’t see much of each other, due to schedules and geographical location, but it sure is fantastic when we meet up.  If food is involved, all the better!!

I’m fairly isolated these days.  I have friends that I nudge on Facebook and I share emails with people periodically, but for the most part I tend to just do my own thing.  I’ve wondered lately if that’s a good or a bad thing?  I don’t know.  Maybe I’ll withhold judgment on that for a little while longer.

Mostly, though, it’s a fact of life with working full-time, taking graduate classes, and having young children.  Where I am now is as different as where I was in my 20’s or 30’s as the diffference that will exist when the next two busy years are done.  These are good differences.  Living a quiet life right now suits me.  I don’t want frantic activity.  And I’ve been told I need to learn how to let go of control, but honestly?  When I live in a place of letting go of control, I seem to generate unhappiness around me.  When I live in a state of selfishness, it generates bad things.

So, while it may seem like I “shouldn’t” stay focused on control, I think I will.  My intuitive sense tells me it’s for the best.

I’ve got no sense of nostalgia tonight.  I thought perhaps I would after talking to this friend.  But really, those days are so distant that I remember them like they were a story and we were all fictional characters.  I feel peaceful joy that she’s found succes, happiness, and well-being in her life, but I don’t have any longing for the people we were back then.  I wonder if that isn’t part of growing older?  You find your place and you’re glad when others find theirs?

I got sweet little boy kisses this evening, before they headed off to Scouts.  I like watching Todd and the boys together.  He’s so tall and they still seem fairly small next to him… but they have that familiar look of him about them.  A friend once told me that it made her smile when she saw the four of us walking down the street together, holding hands and looking like a nice little family.  It’s one of the most wonderful things anyone has ever said to me – besides “I lus you mum.”

And finally, this Friday evening Todd and I are heading out to a hockey game together.  I don’t like crowds or noise, so this one may be a challenge for me.  But I’m glad we get a “date” – even if it’s for his work Christmas celebration.  No little black dress – instead I’ll be wearing jeans and a warm sweater.  The latter is actually more “me” than the former anyway.

Cheers on this rainy, icy-cold late fall evening.  Winter weather is here, even if the calendar hasn’t quite caught up.
moonfire

Down to one final and I’m done with my class.  I’ll get a 3 week break until my next class, something I really need right now.

It hit me today…   Right now, even with all the stress and the ridiculous life of us as grown-ups being students while raising young children… right now, this is the best it will ever be and it’s really good.  Some day my boys will be grown and off on their own, with (if we’re lucky) Sunday night dinners once or twice a month if they live in the area or maybe a call once in a while if they don’t live here.

I try not to think about something that is so distant, but it does hit me that I need to just let myself love this time, warts and all.  Childhood is fleeting enough for the kids, but all the worse for those of us witnessing it.  They were tiny newborns just a blink ago and now we can barely keep up with their growth spurts.  Aidan talks more every day and Brennan’s feet are catching up to mine quicker than I expected.

I was talking to a mom today – one of the parents of a classmate of Bren’s – she has an almost 7-year old and a 24-year old stepson who is off on his own.  She raised him from the time he was 3, so she knows this feeling all too well.  They do grow up and then they are off, living life fully.  Visits are short and few between.

I’m glad I see my mum as much as I do.  I’m glad we have our time together, that we talk on the phone and she is a big part of our lives.  I’m glad we see Todd’s folks frequently.  I’m glad they’re all a big part of our boys lives, because I know – deep to the core of me – I know how important that is.

When you get to that last flickering moment of your life there is much that won’t matter… work, things you did or did not do, things you did or did not own, bits and pieces that have left your memory.  What will matter most is the relationships that you had – the people that you loved and loved you back.

I had book time with the boys tonight and then we had our cuddles.  I’m going to grab on to those moments and enjoy them every chance I get, because that’s when it’s best.  And I’m going to remind myself that it all goes by really quickly.

cheers,
moonfire

http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/manhattan/cozy_crazy_couple_makes_tight_studio_R15ToNFTaJE3c17zkw4efP/0

I’m fascinated by small spaces.  Being so incredibly tight on money, I often wonder if there isn’t a way we could make it work in a small space.

Then I look at the boys and our giant (sort of) dog.

And the music studio/study.

Yeah.  Right.

But it’s a nice thought that there are ways to make a space super efficient.  I looked at the pics associated with the article and thought… hmmm….  a seaman’s bed would work even better.  They still aren’t using the space in the most efficient way.  With a couple nifty ideas, they could actually have more functional use out of it.

But I love it none the less.

And Speed Racer (2008) it a great movie for me and Aidan.

cheers,
moonfire

Kids gave me a nasty cough.  I sound like a harbor seal.  This is not fun.

Anyway.  I got the hiring paperwork done today.  Then I wandered over to see my friends at the college where I used to work.  I figured I didn’t want to debit card 0.50 so I’d take the time to visit.  It was really nice.  It turns out my old boss (the one I really like) is working on a research project with one of my new bosses.  I know both of my references from that old department – my old boss and another of my old faculty – gave me glowing references, so I wonder how much that had a say in what happened.

It’s a really nice thought, actually.

Even if it was just my charming self (ha) that did the job in the interview, it’s a nice thing to think.

So.  I refuse to buy a campus parking permit.  They’ll charge me for the entire academic year, even though I’m starting midway.  They’ll charge me the missed portion and do payroll deduct for the other part.  I really dislike that whole notion, so I’m going to ride a bike back and forth.  If weather or circumstances dictate otherwise, I’ll get Todd to drop me off… but that’ll be the exception rather than the rule.

It means I’ll need to hunt down a good cold weather coat and I’ll need a bike helmet, but it’s worth it.  I’ll be carting my backpack anyway and I can pack things to freshen up when I get there.  Based on timing, worst case it’ll take me 20 minutes to get there… possibly as low as 15 and there are bike paths for the busy streets.  We’ll hunt down a good lock and flasher lights so I’m nice and visible.

It seems appropriate, given that I’ll be working for an energy policy group.  Todd and I agree it’ll be better.  Less wear and tear on the vehicles.  He’ll be carting the kids, so he can drive the van and that’ll mean if I get into a sticky situation, he can pick me up and pack up the bike.

I’ve done bike commuting before and I really liked it, although I was in my 20’s.  It’ll be interesting to see how it works out when I’m in my 40’s!!  So long as I’m prepared, I think it’ll go fine.  I just need to be organized and ready to deal with surprises.

Well.  The cough is getting to me and I’m tired.  It has been a long day.  Mostly I’m just glad that I’m figuring a few things out and prepping for what is coming.  It’s easier to deal with change if you accept it and work with it, rather than against it.  I’m still nervous about the parts of this that are unknown.  At the same time, I have confidence in myself and my abilities – plus, I know the campus and how (most) things work.  There have been changes to processes, but it’s nothing that a little bit of training/orientation can help with.

I hope I can sleep tonight.  I have a lot to do this weekend and I don’t want to be tired.

cheers and a hack or two…
moonfire

Oh yeah.  This one blows my mind.   Even with the pay cut I’m taking to go to my new place I’ll be netting close to the same I’m making now – BUT with one huge difference:  much, much better insurance.  Here’s the comparison on the insurance:

Current – per person deductible is $3000, although it is $1000 if we take copies of the bills and submit them to third party servicer… which many people at my current company don’t know about…

Future (as of the first of Feb) – per person deductible is $250, with a total family max of $750 and a total ANNUAL out of pocket maximum of $3250.

My “future” insurance pays at an 85%/15% split and treats mental health care just like medical care, which means office visits are $20.

Beyond this however, is the premium comparison…  Medical/Dental/Vision at my current company is just under $400 per month.  Medical/Dental/Vision at my future place – right about $175.  I’ll be contributing to the fixed pension plan at about $125 per month – which means for the same $$ I’m getting all our medical/dental/vision benefits PLUS retirement that I don’t currently have.

This is not meant as a slam on my current employer, as I know they’re paying a ton for our employee coverage.  What it is, however, is a comment on a big “why” I’m going back to the university.  I have to provide insurance for my family.  Todd doesn’t even have the option through his company.  I have a pathology bill sitting on the desk, even as I write this, and it’s more than we can swing unless I get really creative.  It sure isn’t covered under my monthly budget because we simply don’t have the ability to cover that kind of expense.  I expect we’ll have these every 6 months or so with Todd’s skin situation.

It goes beyond the issue of the insurance though.  I realized, by paying close attention yesterday when I gave my more than three weeks notice – NOTHING was going to change income-wise.

So I assess where the decision and it is reinforced.  I’m a mom.  I take care of my family and they come first.  I plan to do an outstanding job for my new team and take good care of them.

No regrets.  I learned and I made some discoveries about myself (and the world of employment) along the way.  I’m never going to shake up the world… but I can take good care of my guys.

cheers,
moonfire

I was offered the position and I accepted it this afternoon.  They fought for a higher starting salary for me, so I didn’t have to negotiate for one – something that really sets a wonderful tone for the start of this new (and latest) adventure.

No qualms.  No fretting that this is bad for me as a mom.  I chose to do this because I’m a mom and I have a great deal of peace with the decision.  Plus, school is going really well.  It will go even better with me NOT being a stress case.

Because of the work they did on my behalf, the financial impact will be less than I had been planning for.  It’ll mean a few dollars less each month and that’s it.  I could sell part of my book collection and make up for it.  Or… stop with the lattes… but not until the egg nog lattes retire for the year, ok?  Let’s consider it my Christmas present.

On the bad mommy moment – I spilled my son’s glass of water all over his homework sheets that he was supposed to work on tonight.  I feel totally rotten about it.  I apologized up one side and down the other.  He accepted very sweetly.  It didn’t hurt that essentially he’s off the hook tonight.  He’s been out sick the last two days and frankly, I don’t really think he should go back tomorrow.  I need him to rest so he won’t stay sick through the whole holiday season.  Ick.

Our short guy is happy with his new big-boy bed and I’m overcoming the trauma of selling the crib.  I don’t know that I’ll ever adjust fully to how quickly my boys are growing.  I’ll close my eyes and next thing I know they’ll be in college.

oh yeah.  Don’t even get me started about Aidan going to kindergarten.  Yes, it’s in over two years.  I know this.  But just thinking about it, even for a second, throws me into weepiness.

Time to close this down.  Bren is down with the crud and can’t go to scouts tonight.  This is bringing much sadness.  I’m recovering – Todd is recovering – Aidan is starting into it.

Yay us.

It’s not that bad.  It’s just tough getting our oldest to understand that being sick means limitations so he doesn’t share with everyone around us.

ok.  I’m done.

Cheers,
moonfire

I was sick, exhausted and amazed.  Bren was finally with us.  Todd was completely down with a horrible respiratory bug and living on egg nog lattes from Starbucks in the hospital.  (Yes, Starbucks is truly a part of our son’s birthday)

Brennan was long, cranky, and he had an opinion that was expressed loudly and at length.  He’s actually quieter now!

It was incredible.  19 hours of labor.  At one point his heart rate dropped to 60 bpm and things got scary.  We thought we were headed for a c-section, but they put me on oxygen and things got better.  The epidural was the best thing I’ve ever had happen to me and by the time they gave it to me, I was ready to shove the needle in my own back.

There is nothing else I’ve done in my life (except marrying Todd) that even came close to as awesome as giving birth to both my boys.  After I delivered Bren, Todd told me I could do anything!

I look at my beautiful boy now and I can’t believe he was ever that tiny, angry little baby.  I remember lying in bed one morning, curled around his tiny, newborn body and thinking about how ephemeral that stage was and how I hoped I always remembered it.  I do.  I remember when my hand covered his whole back.  I remember his first bath.  I remember when he wouldn’t speak.  I remember when he got talcum powder ALL OVER HIS BEDROOM.  I remember me asking him (while he was in the tub) if he had a booger in his nose and him answering, “No, but I have a poop in my butt.” (and how quickly I got him out of the tub on on to the toilet!)

I remember his little voice, in the back of the minivan, yelling “we’re all gonna die!” while I was driving the speed limit (by the way).

I remember his hurt feelings when the big boys at the park didn’t want to play with him.

I remember how he wanted a sister like Maddy, but was ok with the fact he was getting a brother.

I remember fighting for him at school and failing him when I was too tired to be patient.

I wouldn’t trade a minute of the time I have been his mom and I am grateful that I have all of our lives to try to be the best mom possible for him.

Being me is sometimes a pain in the ass, but being his mom is the best.

Cheers to all on my son’s big day,
moonfire

No reason for the title.  I just like that word.

I’m tired.  No.  That’s not a surprise.  But what the hell, I might as well note it for the record. Here’s something else:  Philosophy has Egg Nog Shampoo, Bath Gel & Bubble Bath (it’s all one, in one container… not three separate items).   It smells like Egg Nog with rum in it.  I have no room for splurges right now, but I got it.  My husband and children will stick like glue to me after I use it.  I might even catch Todd trying to lick my neck.

Now that you’ve been thoroughly grossed out by that image… let’s try something else.

I have to do a project in Microsoft Project over the next two days.  My motivation is lying on the floor, twitching and writhing in pain.

I am not kidding about this.

I’m also not willing to blow my grade in this class due to depressive apathy.

Yay me.

So… I think folly is a good word to use tonight.  And here’s to Egg Nog shower gel.  It’s the little things in life that help.
moonfire