I don’t want to be in school anymore!  I don’t want to study!

I want to play.  I want to goof off.  And yes, I’d even do housework!

[anxiety moment done, returns to normal voice]

It really is that bad.  I think I fried my “school circuits” last fall.  Now I’m simply desperate to be done.  Only 3 months to go.  Not even a full 3 months.

We’re sick right now… some kind of icky sinus virus thingy.  It’s making me have a miserable, wicked headache and dizziness (and an earache that hurts even when pressed on a pillow).  This means I have even less patience than usual with school.  Good thing I’m finishing up my degree now because I’m very close to losing my mind.

My honey needs to get a job.  Please, please, please let him find one soon so I don’t lose my mind due to that issue too.  I think I’m only allowed to lose it once.

I’d love to write something more, but I think that’s all I’ve got.  In a couple of months I might return to a more humorous tone.  For now I’m just going to continue limping along.  Somewhere in this mix I’ve got to write a final project for my capstone.  I have one thing to say:  Augh.

Of course, with my interesting luck I’ll end up being a sea turtle.

The boys are tucked into bed.  My honey is studying and I have just finished my thread postings for the evening.  I’m finding that I have the art of procrastination finely honed at this point.  I’m able to take a perfectly decent extra day off and completely fritter it away.

I am to the point now where I look at my textbook and immediately have the visceral response one might experience with a large spider or a surprise visit from a snake.  I want to smack it with a boot or run away.  The jury’s still out on what the decision might be.

In order to pull myself out of this response cycle, I’m thinking about buying a bag of chocolates and each time I read a page I can have one.  I figure it worked with Hot Wheels and potty training for my youngest, so maybe it’ll work with me too.

Yes.  It’s time to graduate, otherwise I might end up with a box or two of donuts.

moonfire

I’ll address the issue this afternoon, but for now Daniel Craig as James Bond beckons.  Damn.  He does make a fantastic James Bond… very in line with the books, although it has been better than 20 years since I last read them, so my memory may be more than a bit fuzzy.

As a family we’re currently going through a period that requires patience.  I wonder if there is a way to “earn” it or learn it.  So far, I’m not doing all that well.  My brain wants to organize things – plan ahead – but there are too many unknowns, so I’m left in a loop of what ifs.  Frustrating!

It seems to be better during the week, mostly because I’m so busy that my mind is distracted.

Well, that is the extent of my attention-span for writing today.  Each day is one more checked off towards the end of my degree.  I’m going to dance like crazy the day that it is done.

moonfire

Be safe and a very Happy New Year to all,
moonfire

So to bring us all up to date:  I love my job.  I love the people I work with.  I love the work I’m doing.  I don’t say these things lightly because I’ve been on the other side of that spectrum and I know how hard it is when it’s not a good fit.  This is not to say that each day is a perfectly blissful situation.  It’s just wonderful, challenging and not freakishly stressful.  I swear that I work with the best team possible.  We work hard, but we’re not wrecks doing it.

Give me a year and I will have this moving smoothly.  I’ll be out of school, with ample opportunities to pursue creativity on my own terms…  Iwill find my social groove.  I will play with my children and not fret that some paper or reading must be done.

This is a hard time for so many people.  Good jobs aren’t plentiful and if you’ve got one, you really have to hold on to it.  My Christmas present this year was this amazing miracle that happened when DS talked to me in September and it was solidified when the team hired me.  I’ve been told by his wife that he’s thrilled I’m there and I’ve been told by one of our “Super Graduate Assistants” that they’ve chatted as a team about how much better everything is there now that I’ve joined the team.

Yep.  Giant Merry Christmas and Joyous Winter Solstice to me.

And I’ll keep reminding myself about how this feels as I go along.  A little bit of a tribute and thankfulness during the year is important to help me remember how very fortunate I am.

The kids are spazzing out.  The tree is pretty, with clumps of decorations where Aidan’s reach was limited (he’s only 4 1/2, so it’s always fun to get him to decorate the tree!)…  We get “Mum” time tonight, then time with the other half of the family tomorrow and Christmas day.  There will be phone calls to family in Canada and kid insanity on Christmas morning when the treasures that Santa has left behind are discovered.

It will be a good weekend full of family, food, and fun.

All in all, this is the best end of a year that we’ve experienced in many, many years.  I think our guardian angel has been working some overtime.  She deserves a restful holiday after this.

So on one last note of thank you for all that we’ve received this year, I wish everyonel a happy December 23rd, a Merry Christmas, and a blessed Winter Solstice.

moonfire

School is not going as well, but I think I can be forgiven that one since I’m very preoccupied with my job right now.  I’ll survive.  It’s iffy though.  I’m just not as engaged as I would have hoped.

I don’t have much more to write at this point.  I’m tired and I have the attention span of a piece of toe lint.

moonfire

Nice people.  Crazy messes.  But it’s not a culture issue.  When I learn and get things under control, it will be amazing.

Too tired to write more.

My honey has a countdown going for me. Four more days until I’m done. Tonight I have to remind myself, perhaps multiple times, that I can’t accomplish everything in just a few short days. This is the reality. I’ll do what I can. The rest is up to the department.

But it’s so hard. My classes are suffering. I’m disengaged because there is too much happening in my work life. I can’t have this happening, though. I can’t afford to blow these classes. And it’s week 3 out of the 7 weeks that are actual class time, then it’s time for finals and I’m done.

So Saturday is Bren’s next chess tournament. I’m going to use much of the time to study and work on my research project(s). Tomorrow is Friday and thankfully, I can get some reading done in the evening. Right now, I’m simply too tired.

I find that I don’t want to go to bed at night because I don’t want to go back to the office. Once I go to sleep, everything is on fast forward and I find myself there again. I’ve never been like this. I’m usually an early to bed person so I can get as much sleep as possible. It’s a distressing change from my usual.

I was obnoxious at work today – not intentionally. Tomorrow I will mellow out. I care about my co-workers, so being crummy is a very bad thing. I think I owe at least one of them coffee to apologize.

I’m going to learn as much as I can from Bren, my oldest. I think he sees the world in a mostly positive way. I’ll join him in that perspective!

****

I can hardly wait to join my new team. I’m ready, even if I am a bit nervous. I look around at the chaos in our home and I wonder what the impact of the reduced stress will do for us. Will I be less exhausted at the end of the day, or do I only know how to go full bore? Will I be excited for my family time, since school will soon (relative) be a thing of the past?

What WILL I do with the free time?

Time for bed. The pain in my jaw will subside. The tension headache will ease. I will snuggle under the blankets and curl into my pillow.

And the day will disappear.

moonfire

The thought of it all both makes me want to stay up and prolong Sunday as long as possible, as well as hurry up and go to sleep so I can be through the insanity as quickly as possible. I’m tired and I haven’t even started into the week. I’m also dreading what this will do to me with my studies. Week 3 of classes started today. Scary, when I think that class really only goes through week 7, then it’s time for finals. Technically I’ve got 4 weeks of class left and I haven’t even really gotten into the material. I’ve determined my research topic for one class and I’ve made a bit of progress in my other, although I can’t say for sure since the directions for the course project are a bit iffy.

My one prof offered telephone calls to review the course project or discuss the material. I can honestly say there is no way I’ve got time to schedule the call during reasonable hours and even if I did, my hearing is so poor it’d be almost pointless.

I have to keep reminding myself that a B is sufficient to get through my degree. I’d prefer to do better than that, but I also have to be realistic at this point. The next 2-3 weeks of work will be a strain on my already strained personal energy resources. I simply have to endure it and get through, no matter what happens. If I’m lucky, the prof in my one iffy class will be generous. If I’m not lucky, then I’d better be spectacular on the final!

The time change is certainly a lucky break, though. I’m counting my blessings where that is concerned. My body was already attempting the shift on its own, so this does make things easier. I suppose I should head off to bed for some reading time and then a system shutdown for sleep.

I have to remind myself that it’s only a few more weeks and then both these classes are done, giving me winter break and relief from the pressure. I will TRY not to snap this next week. I will hang in there and remember that the end is just around the corner for first one, then the other stressor.

After that, it’s all relatively smooth sailing through the new job and the end of the degree. That’s the theory I’m going to use, at least until I get new inputs. What a long, long haul. I can’t fade now, not when the finish line is so damned close!

I don’t have anything positive to offer myself with respect to how the next 8 business days will go. It was hideous the week before my vacation. It will be hideous during the remainder of my tenure with the department. It’s not a reflection on the actual job itself, rather its a reflection on what really needs to be accomplished before I’m gone. Will I have to let some of it go? It’s likely. I’ll do my best and the rest will be up to those who remain.

Signing off for a bit of studying before sacking out,
moonfire

I’m heading off to my psyc appointment this evening and the transition to the new position will likely be a big topic.  I’ve poked around (mentally speaking) and I’m firmly of the opinion that I’ll need help to make this major mental shift.  I’ve spent the majority of my working/education years waiting and trying to get to that “goal.”  Here I am, 42 years old, and I’ve only just reached the goal after years and years of work.  That mental context has always been “forward thinking” – anticipating, planning, and never really living in the moment.  Suddenly, at least in terms of the last 7-10 years, I’ve reached those goals.  For all intents and purposes, I’m at the end of my degree program and the finish line is just a few short classes away.  I’ve been hired in the job that serves as a culmination of years of work and study to achieve.

And the work is just beginning.  From here going forward it’s about the day to day work… being static and settling in with this wonderful team of intelligent, motivated people.  It’s about doing the work and keeping on doing the work.  This is the long-term, professional position I had hoped for with financial aid, but have found with the group where I last worked.

I’ve heard that phrase, “Be careful what you wish for.”  Well, I wished for the finish line where I no longer kept waiting.  But I’ve spent all this time learning how to live like that.  Now I have to learn how to live in this moment.  It’s like dating for years and years, then suddenly getting married and wondering how to change that attitude!  I’ve “dated” a lot of positions and jobs, but never once have I had a career.  Here I am on the verge of that permanent commitment.  What a feeling!

It’s an odd thing, to realize that I’ve developed one mindset after all this time and now I have to start fresh and develop a new one.  I’m an old dog who now has to learn a new trick.  I’m creaky and rusty from the past.

****

Took a break from writing this to help Bren with his homework and to go to the doc appointment, but now I’m back and have lost the train of thought.  More “old dog” issues??

I think the week has caught up with me and now I’m tired enough to fall over.  Perhaps tomorrow I’ll be in better shape and can continue the thought…

Time for bed and some much needed rest,
moonfire